WWE Monday Night Raw – Monday, January 5, 2004
The Pyramid – Memphis, TN
Announcers: Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler

As Raw comes on the air General Manager Eric Bischoff and Coach commiserate over the return of “Stone Cold” Steve Austin as “The Sheriff of Raw” and the doom and gloom (for them) that’s likely to result. Theodore Long and “The World’s Strongest Man” Mark Henry enter Bischoff’s office. Henry tells Bischoff he’s ready to cash-in on his one-time favor tonight for the Survivor Series (his being on the winning team that got Austin fired as Raw’s co-General Manager) and that’s Long taking over Raw as the acting General Manager. Bischoff, at first, thinks Long is crazy for wanting the gig, seeing as how Austin is running amok, but then, he thinks of the possibilities as Long affirms, “You feel me”? Long tells Bischoff he doesn’t sweat the law nor “Sheriff” Austin. He says he has Johnny Cochran on speed dial should there be any problems.

Good ‘ole JR welcomes the television audience to Memphis, TN, the hometown of Jerry “The King” Lawler. Tonight, the World Tag-Team Championship will be on-the-line as the champions, Ric Flair and Batista, put the titles up against The Dudley Boyz. Lawler adds that the Women’s Championship will also be at stake tonight.

Long comes to the ring to lay out his vision for tonight’s show. JR doesn’t have a good feeling. Long informs the crowd that he’s in charge. He hears the boos that result but says it’s because the people can’t handle the fact that a black man has the power. That’s so true Teddy. They can’t. JR, to the contrary says, “Oh, come on.” Long piles onto the white folk of Memphis calling them all racists. He even calls out the mayor of Memphis, himself a black man, for not being a true black man considering he’s let the city be overcome by illiteracy, poverty and crime. “You better believe that!” Lawler can’t help but defend his hometown city here so he chimes in from the broadcast table with JR looking on. Lawler defends Memphis but since Long won’t shut up he starts walking to the ring. Long tells Lawler that while he might be a “King” to these people, to him, he’s nothing but another cracker with a crown. LOL. This is great! Long admonishes Lawler to bow down to him because he’s the new king of Memphis. Lawler enters the ring and backs Long to the other side of it while putting his finger into Long’s chest. Just then, Lawler is spun around by Randy Orton, who hits Lawler with an RKO! JR is in disbelief as Orton and Long depart.

Backstage, Orton brags to Long that he’s killed another legend, and this time, in the guy’s hometown no less. Orton doesn’t think it can get better than that. Mark Henry walks up and asks Long to put him in a title match tonight with Orton for the Intercontinental Championship. Orton scoffs that Long would even consider that request seeing as how he just saved his ass out in the arena. Long reminds Orton that what he did was for himself and it certainly wasn’t for the cause he was speaking out on. Long grants Henry his requested title shot. Henry and Long walk away but they walk right into Austin who’s waiting around the hallway corner. Uh oh. Austin reminds Long that he’s “the law” around here and with that, can’t accept the match between Orton and Henry when there’s another man walking around that’s more deserving of getting a title shot. Long asks who might that be. Austin says it’s the man that has yet to receive his title re-match: RVD. Therefore, with Austin claiming he’s a fair man as a man that makes the laws for Monday Night Raw, he’ll agree to a match tonight between Henry and RVD. The winner gets a title match with Orton next week. Long agrees to that match telling Austin to respect his authority as General Manager for the rest of the night and to leave Henry alone.

Coach joins JR at the broadcast table with Lawler out of commission. He brings with him a LSU lawn chair to rub JR wrong as one night earlier the LSU Tigers football team defeated Oklahoma, Ross’s beloved Sooners, to win the national championship in college football for 2003. Coach tells JR that Long sent him out to give him some help and make sure that Raw has a real color commentator for just one night.

René Duprée (of La Résistance) vs. Spike Dudley

Result/Analysis: Spike Dudley via pinfall (3:51) with a roll-up. Duprée controls every second of the match as Spike gets whipped from post to post. Since Duprée was part in parcel as to why Spike had been sidelined for the prior four months (a botched table spot), him losing the match was only logical. There’s nothing to see though unless, if you’re like me, and enjoy the French strut of Duprée? Coach spends the match continually needling JR over Oklahoma’s loss. That’s pretty funny! I personally thought La Résistance was a solid heel tag-team particularly in an era where a lot of teams were just thrown together for Raw to even have a tag-team division. They did hold the titles in the prior year for what it’s worth. After the match, The Dudley Boyz come out to celebrate the victory with Spike. Their appearance, though, allows Batista and Ric Flair to jump them from behind. The challengers for the World Tag-Team Championship belts are left laid out as JR and Coach speculate on if the title match will even happen now?

Rating: 1/2*

Trish Stratus discusses “I Just Want You.” That was the song track she recorded for a WWE Originals CD that was nearing its release.

In his locker room, “Y2J” Chris Jericho is visited by Christian, who swung by to apologize and make amends. The two had formed a successful tag-team in the fall of 2002 (with a reign as the World Tag-Team Champions, and had tagged sporadically in 2003, but recently had let their personal dating lives get in the way of their friendship. Christian was pursuing Lita while Jericho was chasing after Trish Stratus. Christian had said some unkind things regarding Jericho’s troubled pursuit of Trish which resulted in tensions between the two men. Anyhow, Jericho accepts Christian’s apology here, while apologizing for himself being a jackass, and they reminisce about the good ‘ole days. Teddy Long has booked a tag-team match that’s up next and Jericho agrees to team with Christian for that.

JR and Coach look back upon the epic World Heavyweight Championship match between titleholder Triple H and Shawn Michaels from the previous week’s Raw. Michaels had seemingly defeated Triple H to regain the title only for Bischoff (acting as the referee due to Earl Hebner having been taken out by Triple H) to reverse his decision after Michaels had connected with sweet chin music with both men’s shoulders pinned to the mat. This match remains one of the all-time great TV matches, definitely in Monday Night Raw’s history now 31 years in. Michaels lost his temper after the match going postal on Bischoff (and Flair). Shawn didn’t understand that in the event of a tie the champ retains the belt.

Lawler, having recovered quickly from the RKO he was on the receiving end earlier from Randy Orton, returns to the broadcast booth. Per Teddy Long’s orders, however, Coach stays on. Long informs Lawler that he’ll fire his ass should even look at Coach the wrong way or in any way inhibit him from doing his job as a qualified black man. Raw will be a three-man announce team tonight. Coach graciously gives King his chair back. LOL.

Tag-Team Match:

Chris Jericho & Christian vs. Rosey & The Hurricane

Result/Analysis: Jericho & Christian via pinfall (5:03) when Christian pins Rosey following an inverted DDT. This match is so blah. Thankfully, and rightfully, the heels go over or yours truly would have to rant. Rosey was The Hurricane’s hand-picked “Super Hero in Training,” but as of this juncture into their tag-team, no one was really feeling it. Jericho and Christian half-ass the match while The Hurricane (Gregory Helms) is the one that’s trying. Coach is hung up on the attempted Jericho romance, or his failed attempt, while he spends the match antagonizing King and JR. The live crowd and TV audience lost 8+ minutes out of their lives here, ring introductions included.

Rating: 3/4*

JR promotes tonight’s WWE Women’s Title match pitting the champion, Molly Holly, against Victoria. Coach brings up “The World’s Strongest Man” Mark Henry becoming the No. 1 Contender to Randy Orton and the Intercontinental Championship next week on Raw once he desposes of RVD tonight. JR recaps Batista and Ric Flair attacking The Dudley Boyz from earlier tonight and asks if the champions are feeling vulnerable? Coach disagrees as he predicts 2004 will be the year of Evolution.

Steven Richards (w/ Victoria) vs. Test

Result/Analysis: Richards via pinfall (2:51) with a roll-up. Exciting. Richards failed to get a three count with two prior roll-up attempts so why not a third? That was the extent of his move set. Test, meanwhile, spends the match chasing after Victoria. Stupid. These two had prior matches on “Sunday, uh ‘Stevie’ Night Heat.” Test takes out his frustrations afterward by leveling Victoria with a big boot right to her face! Raw is one hour gone and the show has been a big pile of dog shit.

Rating: DUD

Well, business is damn sure about to pick up! The music for “Stone Cold” Steve Austin sounds and “The Texas Rattlesnake,” and the newly-named Sheriff of Raw, is on his way to the ring. Austin’s appearance has awakened this sleepy Memphis crowd. Austin begins by tooting his own horn for being named the sheriff. He’s set to make a Shawn Michaels versus Triple H rematch at the Royal Rumble until “The Game” himself, Triple H, comes out to halt that announcement with a timely interruption. The Game don’t play. Triple H asks Austin if he’s lost his mind telling him that alcohol does kill brain cells. He compares Austin to the likes of (Sheriff) Barney Fife from “The Andy Griffith Show” and Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane from “The Dukes of Hazzard.” Austin isn’t amused as he flips Triple H the bird after being asked to immitate Coltrane. Triple H admits the superkick he took from Michaels last week must have been worse than he thought as he woke up this week and realized he was in Mayberry. LOL. I’m amused at least. Triple H pokes fun at Austin’s sheriff’s badge that’s on his shirt and asks him if it’s the same badge from being a kid playing cops and robbers? Austin appears to put out here as he’s taking this all in. Austin responds in kind affirming the validity of his badge and he reminds Triple H as the law he’ll do anything that he sees fit, including delivering a Stone Cold Stunner for the gum flapping just heard. Austin also says if he sees fit to strip Triple H of the title then he will. Austin adds taking a crap on Triple H’s shoes as something he’ll do but most of all, as the sheriff, the law and order, Stone Cold promises Triple H he can and will make his life a living hell. There are “What”? chants out of the crowd after Austin rattles off all the things he could do. Austin gets back to Michaels next telling Triple H that Michaels deserves a rematch for the World Heavyweight Title because as he sees it, Michaels had Triple H beat, he had (you) pinned and frankly, he kicked (your) ass! Triple H scoffs at Michaels getting a rematch claiming he successfully defended the title last week. No one can argue? Hunter adds that he’s beaten everyone put in front of him, too, and asks Austin what it’s going to take to convince him that he’s the greatest wrestler alive (today). That claim brings out Michaels next, who receives a racous ovation from the live crowd. Michaels, speaking directly to Triple H, says that “you’ve proved your the ‘greatest,’ but I want to see it just one more time.” Austin tells Michaels he’ll get to see that because at the Royal Rumble it will be Triple H defending the World Heavyweight Championship against him. Austin exits the ring leaving Michaels and Triple H face-to-face in a stare down. Austin gets up the ramp but interjects that the Royal Rumble title match just won’t be your standard fare, oh no, it will be a Last Man Standing Match! Michaels looks pleased. Triple H does not. Michaels turns to leave only for Triple H to spin him around for a pedigree! Tonight, it’s Triple H that’s the last man standing. JR pontificates on the physicality and intensity of the PPV match. Coach, for one, likes the chances of Triple H. Raw gives us the expected main event from its brand for the Rumble. Given the match the previous week and the long history between Michaels and Triple H, getting the stipulation title match at the Rumble in Philadelphia, PA was an obvious no-brainer.

Non-Title Match:
Molly Holly [WWE Women’s Champion] vs. Trish Stratus

Result/Analysis: Stratus via DQ (2:49) due to the outside interference of Jazz. The former Women’s Champion makes her return from injury here (dislocated shoulder with a six-month recovery) to attack her long-time adversary. Jericho comes to Stratus’ aid after the beat down, but of course, she doesn’t want his help. Jericho, resemblant of a love sick puppy dog, can’t do right. The match was OK but we’d seen Holly v Stratus dozens of times so this version wasn’t anything new.

Rating: 1/2*

A paid advertisement from the friends and supporters of Randy Orton airs which credits Orton for being WWE’s Hardcore Legend. Orton, per the promo, has taken that mantle away from Mick Foley, whose legend, he has killed. In the promo, Foley is labeled a coward. I’d think Foley will be responding to this soon …

The WrestleMania Recall for this week is Pete Rose on the receiving end of a tombstone piledriver from Kane at WrestleMania XIV in 1998. WrestleMania XX is upcoming in March 2004.

#1 Contender’s Match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship:
Rob Van Dam vs. “The World’s Strongest Man” Mark Henry (w/ Theodore Long)

Result/Analysis: Rob Van Dam via pinfall (6:43) following the five-star frog splash. Theodore Long had the match re-started after Henry was disqualified by referee Charles Robinson for using a steel chair. Long suggested Henry use the chair. With the ordered re-start Long made the match no disqualification. Austin takes exception to Long manipulating the match so he rides an ATV to the ring to chase Long away. Whatever. After two minutes of that, plus a commercial break thrown in, the match resumes. Henry controls with a bearhug and rope splash at first but he misses on a blind charge allowing RVD to gain the upper hand. RVD runs thru his move set in short order, including a Van Daminator using the chair before finishing Henry off with the five-star frog splash. Long runs out from the back with Austin still in hot pursuit on the ATV. RVD helps to corner him outside the ring so Long gets in the ring to plead with Austin for forgiveness. Everyone knows what’s to come. It’s not a handshake, either. Yep, it’s a kick to the gut followed by a Stone Cold Stunner. Austin proceeds to drink several beers in celebration and RVD tosses back a few cold ones, too. It hasn’t been the most successful of nights as the acting GM for Long. RVD will challenge Orton for the IC Title next week.

Rating: *1/2

Chris Jericho is standing outside of Trish Stratus’ dressing room pleading with her for a chance to talk. Trish doesn’t come to or open the door so Jericho enters only to hear the shower running. Jericho assumes it’s Trish in the shower so he bares his feelings. Mae Young, and not Trish, was in the shower, however, and she’s receptive to Jericho having such strong feelings. Jericho backs himself out of the dressing room as Mae approaches him bearing her saggy “puppies” with only a towel on. We’ve seen these Mae Young skits a 1,000 times yet King, at the broadcast table, is dying in laughter as if he’s never seen it. JR and Coach, meanwhile, are put off by the whole thing.

Just then, it’s hell, fire and brimstone as Kane’s music hits which stuns Coach causing him to fall back in his chair. LOL. Kane is here to discuss the Royal Rumble. He’s angry for not having won the Royal Rumble match yet in his career saying he should have won each of those he’s entered. OK. Kane says he’s made mistakes in the past, namely, worried about being cheered for by the people, calling them a bunch of insects. Also, there was last year (2003) when he trusted someone he should not have. We see the video footage wherein The Undertaker eliminates Kane in a brotherly betrayal … or … merely every man for himself. Back live, Kane seeths over seeing that played back. “Last year, I should have won the Royal Rumble!!! It should have been ME wrestling for the World Title at WrestleMania! But because of The Undertaker I GOT NOTHING!!!” Kane vows that will never happen again reminding us all that he buried his brother The Undertaker, buried him alive, at Survivor Series. JR chimes in saying that’s a match we’ll never forget. Kane brings up Booker T as a target of his since it was Booker T last year that wrestled for the World Title at WrestleMania in his spot. Perhaps that’s the reason as to why Kane last week cost Booker T his chance at winning the Intercontinental Championship from Randy Orton? That’s indeed so as Kane admits sending a message to Booker T last week. Kane pledges he’ll win the Royal Rumble this year, also announcing his entry into the match, and he says, “There’s not a soul ALIVE who is going to stop me!” The entrance music Booker T hits … “Can You Dig That Sucka”? Booker runs to the ring. Kane takes the fight to him at first but he’s soon overcome and bicycle kicked outside the ring. Booker grabs the mic and tells Kans that ain’t no one going to make an example out of him. Booker announces to Kane his entry into the Royal Rumble, too. He has two goals this year. The first is to throw Kane’s big, Uncle Fester-looking ass out of the ring. The people applaud that. And the second goal is to win the Royal Rumble and go straight to WrestleMania to wrestle for the World Title so that he can be the top dog. Booker asks Kane if he can dig that, sucka? Good segment here!

Backstage, the battered and bruised Dudley Boyz lick their wounds as they ponder their chance up next to win the World Tag-Team Titles. D-Von has Bubba Ray convinced they’ll get it done. Bubba remarks let’s win number 18.

We see highlights from WWE Armadeddon 2003 last month wherein Eric Bischoff inserted Batista and Ric Flair into tag-team turmoil after The Dudley Boyz had survived five other tag-teams. Batista and Flair defeated The Dudley’s to win tag-team turmoil and became the World Tag-Team Champions. That segues into our Main Event.

World Tag-Team Championship:
Evolution: Batista & “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair (c) vs. The Dudley Boyz [Bubba Ray & D-Von]

Result/Analysis: Evolution via pinfall (9:42) when Flair pins D-Von following the Batista bomb. The Dudley’s had the match won and with it, the tag-team titles, but Triple H runs interference to distract referee Mike Chioda just after The Dudley’s hit the 3D on Flair. There’s good back-and-forth here with neither team ever in complete control. Flair, given his age at the time, gets gassed quickly. Even still, he remained the dirtiest player in the game and man could he take a chop … to the point of bleeding in this match. Flair gets the figure-four on Bubba but that hadn’t won him a match on its own for the better part of a decade. Still, its Flair and the figure-four was being slapped on in any of his matches. Batista isn’t as “green” here as I remembered him to be at the onset of the Evolution stable and he was the perfect compliment to Flair in being the brute of the their tag-team who could do the heavy lifting. The Dudley’s were always “over” and given their track record of good to really good matches, them performing wasn’t a concern. The titles stay put on this night – – – the right decision – – – but Evolution, specifically, Triple H is left on his back when Shawn Michaels has a run-in to lay him out with sweet chin music to conclude Raw with him being the last man standing.

Rating: **1/2

The Verdict: There was very little to like or sink your teeth into. Hour one was trash, with weak matches and too much of a focus upon Long as the acting GM to counteract what Austin would do as sheriff. The announcers got too much airtime throughout with the dynamic of Coach present throughout the night. The main takeaway is the Last Man Standing World Heavyweight Title match announcement for the Royal Rumble. Triple H must fend off Shawn Michaels one more time. Elsewhere, Chris Jericho is failing at getting Trish Stratus to forgive him. I’m over that storyline big time. Kane’s segment was solid. There’s now a backstory as to why he shafted Booker T out of winning the IC Title last week. Both men are entered into the Royal Rumble match so that’ll be a storyline to watch for. RVD earned his re-match with Randy Orton for the IC Title next week. SmackDown certainly was the superior brand in terms of work rate. As 2004 begins, SmackDown on the 1st was a better show than Raw was on this night.