WWE SmackDown – Thursday, January 1, 2004
Laredo Entertainment Center – Laredo, TX
Announcers: Michael Cole & Tazz

SmackDown begins on the 1st day of 2004 with a look back at the show from two weeks beforehand. WWE Champion Brock Lesnar, and his manager, Paul Heyman, had orchestrated an “all or nothing” plot to force the retirement of adversary Hardcore Holly. Either Holly had to be victorious with an assigned tag-team partner handpicked by them, which was a less than 100-percent Shannon Moore, against the duo of A-Train and Matt Morgan, to then earn a WWE Championship match, or, if he lost, Holly would be forced to retire. Holly and Moore did win the match despite the stacked deck against them to close out 2003. Michael Cole and Tazz inform the television audience as SmackDown comes on the air this New Year’s night that Holly will receive his WWE Championship Match versus Lesnar at The Royal Rumble on January 25th live on pay-per-view at Wachovia Center in Philadelphia, PA.

SmackDown begins 2004 in Laredo, TX. First up, the Cruiserweight Title is on-the-line!

WWE Cruiserweight Championship:
Rey Mysterio [challenger] vs. Tajiri [champion] (w/ Akio & Sakoda)

Result/Analysis: Mysterio via pinfall (10:51 shown) following a hurricanrana. Tajiri’s henchman, Akio and Sakoda, interfere at multiple points during the match but even their three-on-one assault can’t prevent Mysterio from regaining the Cruiserweight title he had lost to “The Japanese Buzzsaw” only three months prior. It’s a fantastic TV match from beginning to end with the title swap as the pay-off. What better way to jumpstart a new year, right? There’s excellent wrestling here as Tajiri mostly works a ground attack to negate Mysterio’s high-flying Luchador moveset while Mysterio is equally successful at accelerating the pace and tempo which allows him to send Tajiri reeling, tallying many near falls and rallying the crowd. As you watch, you can feel that the title change is going to happen. Tajiri, while a fine champion and a superb wrestler in his own right, wasn’t moving the needle as the Cruiserweight titleholder. Besides, after winning the belt from Mysterio on September 25, 2003, also a title match on SmackDown, Tajiri then bested Mysterio in their rematch at “No Mercy” in October. Mysterio ending the feud by regaining the belt was the natural conclusion.

Rating: ***1/2

Michael Cole enters the ring immediately after the match to congratulate Mysterio on his title-winning victory. Mysterio makes it a point that his New Year’s Resolution was to win back the Cruiserweight title but he didn’t think it would happen on night one of the new year. Mysterio goes on to applaud the fans for their continued support. He then says “Happy New Year” in multiple languages. Suddenly, the music for The Big Show hits and out comes the reigning United States Champion. What does Show want to interject here? Actually, he merely wants to plug himself after congratulating Mysterio on becoming the Cruiserweight champ. Show has with him the newest Big Show t-shirt being sold at WWE merchandise stands which depicts his moniker with the phrase “Chicks Dig it Big.” Show lets everyone know that’s one of those “innuendos” if we know what he means? Mysterio tries to interrupt but Show thinks he wants everyone to just see the back of the t-shirt next. Show holds that side up for the caneras and it’s another innudeno which says, “and it just don’t get any bigger than this.” Show continues on and on and on plugging himself, and the t-shirt, which he holds up in front of Mysterio’s entire frame blocking him completely from the camera’s view. Eventually, Mysterio has enough of Show’s show and tells that he pulls away the shirt. Show, in response, offers Mysterio a t-shirt of his own if that’s what it is that he wants. He does ask Mysterio for the one he brought to the ring given back, though, as that one is his. Mysterio teases tossing the shirt into the crowd so Show threatens him that he’ll beat his ass should he do so. After a few teases to toss the shirt, then seemingly about to hand back the shirt, Mysterio finally does toss it into the crowd. Oh boy. True to his word, Show lays into Mysterio with frying pan-like right-hand slaps and then sends Mysterio flying across the ring with a beal. That had to hurt! Out comes Hardcore Holly for the save, however, which allows Mysterio to hit his 619 on Show before exiting with Holly. Show angrily looks on at both as Cole and Tazz predict there will be hell to pay tonight.

After a commercial break, Cole and Tazz recap the segment. Big Show is then shown backstage and he looks to be irate and humiliated. Show goes into a rage, throwing and breaking anything that’s in sight. SmackDown General Manager Paul Heyman quickly rushes in to calm Show down. He offers Show a match with the man that just humilated him, the man that wants to take the WWE Championship away from Brock Lesnar at The Royal Rumble: Hardcore Holly. Show says nothing in response to the match. Instead, he smashes another televison monitor as Heyman backs away in fear.

Bradshaw vs. Rhyno

Result/Analysis: Bradshaw via pinfall (2:26) following the clothesline from hell. This match was the third (all on SmackDown) between the two with each man having won once. In the previous SmackDown to this two weeks earlier Rhyno had beaten Bradshaw’s tag-team partner in the A.P.A., Faarooq, while Bradshaw was pre-occupied in Baghdad, Iraq as WWE was visiting the United States Military in preparation for the annual “Tribute to the Troops” special around the Christmas holiday. Anyway, this rivalry between Bradshaw and Rhyno is one no one remembers. Rhyno ducks the clothesline from hell in the early stages of the match and counters with a DDT for a two count. That’s the extent of his offense as Bradshaw fights back and hits the last call (fallaway slam) before leveling Rhyno shortly after with his second try at the clothesline from hell. Bradshaw wins 2/3 matches. Rhyno was mid card fodder on SmackDown at this point.

Rating: *

Tazz plugs “Latino Heat” Eddie Guerrero being on the cover of “Lowrider” magazine while Cole shows us video footage of Los Guerreros (Eddie and Chavo Jr.) at a lowrider convention from earlier today. Tonight, Los Guerreros square off with The World’s Greatest Tag-Team (Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin).

After a commercial break, Cole and Tazz remark on their experience covering “Christmas from Baghdad” – WWE’s special event for the troops from last week. We then see video highlights of the trip. WWE nailed these shows.

Heyman is walking backstage and giving the television audience his own take on the SmackDown superstars having the honor and privilege of performing for the U.S. troops. He’s stopped by John Cena in his tracks, however, with Cena telling Heyman he’s a phony for speaking out about the event when he wasn’t even present for it despite being the GM of SmackDown. Cena calls Heyman a big, fat coward and compares him as scum next to the heroes that put their life on the line each and every day. Heyman says he’s been called a lot of things in his life but a coward isn’t one of them. See, Heyman, as he says, is a leader of men, a leader that bravely would lead his men into battle anywhere. Heyman says he also espouses to the American ideal of being a land of opportunity and as such he believes in giving opportunities to each SmackDown superstar. Heyman brings up the Royal Rumble and he tells Cena that as the GM of SmackDown only he controls the opportunity for which 15 SmackDown superstars gain entry into the Royal Rumble. Heyman informs Cena that right now he’s not one of those 15. Cena reacts in disbelief. Heyman says that since he’s a man who believes in opportunity he’ll grant Cena a chance to earn his Royal Rumble spot. Heyman tells Cena to find a tag-team partner to face all three members of the F.B.I. in a handicap match. If Cena and his partner win, then both are entered into the Royal Rumble. If they lose, then both are out. Heyman informs Cena that match is next up so maybe he’ll run into a guy on his way to the ring who will want to risk their Royal Rumble spot with him? A good segment here.

3-on-2 Handicap Match:

The F.B.I. (The Full Blooded Italians): Nunzio, Chuck Palumbo & Johnny “The Bull” Stamboli vs. John Cena & Chris Benoit

Result/Analysis: Benoit & Cena via submission (6:55) when Benoit forces Stamboli to tap out to the Crippler Crossface. With their victory, Benoit and Cena earn their respective entry into the 30-man Royal Rumble match as two of SmackDown’s 15 entrants. Heyman had previously blacklisted Benoit from garnering another opportunity at Lesnar and the WWE Championship prompting Benoit to take the chance at entering the Rumble by being Cena’s tag-team partner. Heyman must have not thought of Benoit as a potential Cena partner? On the surface, Heyman’s opportunity plot to force Cena to defeat all three members of The F.B.I. even with a partner wasn’t something belivable to prevent Cena from being on the winning side to earn his Rumble spot. By having a once adversary join him in that pursuit like Benoit, who, in his words, “had nothing to lose” was a sensible creative wrinkle for this show. Benoit had also spent weeks beforehand wrestling the members of the F.B.I. so him joining Cena also made sense because of that. Cena wrestles the bulk of the match while taking a beating. He, of course, makes a comeback to hot tag Benoit, and “The Rabid Wolverine” goes on a blitzkrieg. The match is formulaic by why try to do anything different. The babyfaces go over and Heyman looks the part of an idiot. The live crowd in Laredo was super hot for this one.

Rating: **1/2

Following another commercial, we see U.S. troops lined up in Baghdad from when the SmackDown superstars visited for autographs. I’m sure any slice of home did wonders for those men and women back then.

Kurt Angle’s music hits … and out comes the former 4-time WWE Champion to mark his return to SmackDown following a month-long hiatus after the Survivor Series in November. Angle takes this opportunity to personally thank the troops. And he thanks them and thanks them AND thanks them. He goes into a lengthy story about a soldier he met when he visited Iraq, it’s a sob story if there ever was one, but the live crowd reacts marginally to it as Angle, particularly as a babyface, just bores the piss out anyone. At the end of it all, Angle admits while he’d love to be a soldier himself defending his country, he is after all, admittedly, just a wrestler. Therefore, Angle announces his entry into the Royal Rumble match. He promises to defeat the 29 other superstars and win the Royal Rumble for the first time in his career, which then, he will dedicate to the men and women of the armed forces. This segment was a complete yawn. Looking back in time, the mood of the country was still ripe for this level of patriotism but in no way did 5-8 minutes need to be spent on Angle’s long-winded diatribe when his entry into the Rumble is the only wrestling news resulting. Moving on.

Non-Title Match:
The Big Show [WWE United States Champion] vs. Hardcore Holly

Result/Analysis: The Big Show via DQ (4:59) following a low blow from Holly. Such behavior so unbecoming from the No. 1 contender mind you. The match is as bad as you’d think it would be just seeing it on paper. What’s worse is that creative doesn’t even attempt book Holly as a strong and viable contender to Lesnar here seeing as Show dominates throughout the 5-minute match and only Mysterio’s run-in, which fails, prevents a further sustained beat down. I get that post-Angle, a placeholder challenger for Lesnar was needed, but to give a title match to Holly, let alone on a major pay-per-view, just reeked of desperation. Holly’s heat from this match comes from delivering chair shots to the head of The Big Show after the DQ which leaves the U.S. Champ with blood strewn down his face. There wasn’t much that could be done to alter people’s thinking that Holly was going to be Lesnar’s bitch at the Royal Rumble. As for The Big Show, yeah, as 2004 began, he was “The Fat Show.” The storyline behind Holly receiving the match with Lesnar is that Lesnar legit broke Holly’s neck during a match the two had on SmackDown in September 2002 so in Holly’s comeback it was Lesnar, who so happened to be WWE Champion, he targeted. So OK. Have a title match on SmackDown and be done with it is what I’d say. Even Mysterio, who had no beef with Lesnar, would have been a more suitable PPV opponent.

Rating: 3/4*

But wait! There’s more breaking news on this 1st day of 2004. Mr. Ass returns at the Royal Rumble. That’s right, Billy Gunn. SmackDown gets 15 spots in the Rumble match and one entry goes to Mr.Ass. Who decided on that?

Heyman is in his office cozying up to Dawn Marie. Benoit barges in to brag about earning his Royal Rumble spot tonight while promising to win and then become WWE Champion. Heyman takes offense to the intrusion and reminds Benoit he’s nothing more than a working stuff or grunt, much like the people who come to watch SmackDown are. What they have in common with Benoit, Heyman says, is that their hopes and dreams can be held down by people like him, who represent “management.” Ha! Good one Paul E. Heyman admits to Benoit that he will be No. 1 just not No.1 in the company. Heyman tells Benoit he’s the No. 1 entrant in the Royal Rumble match meaning that the 29 other superstars that come afterward will stand a better chance at winning. Benoit doesn’t like this decision but he grabs a hold of Heyman, bringing him to his knees, to state he’ll still win the Rumble and that his spirit will never be broken. The Heyman segments on this SmackDown with Cena and Benoit were both really strong.

Elsewhere, Rey Mysterio is celebrating his newly won Cruiserweight Championship with Funaki, Bradshaw, and Orlando Jordan present. Eddie Guerrero walks in and he congratulates Rey. Eddie mentions that he’s “thinking of entering” the Royal Rumble to say that will be his pathway toward a gold belt of his own. Chavo Guerrero is seen shaking his head in disgust. Chavo reminds Eddie of their family goal to win the WWE Tag-Team Championship and to focus on that instead of being selfish and focusing on a personal goal. Eddie appeases Chavo promising he’ll get focused on their match that’s coming up versus The World’s Greatest Tag-Team.

Los Guerreros [Chavo & Eddie] vs. The Self-Proclaimed World’s Greatest Tag-Team [Charlie Haas & Shelton Benjamin]

Result/Analysis: Haas & Benjamin via pinfall (5:49) when Haas pins Chavo after a Benjamin superkick. Chavo’s jealousy of his uncle Eddie’s popularity boils over here as Chavo wouldn’t allow Eddie to win the match with the frog splash as he instead tags himself in to try the move. That backfires as Haas raises his knees to stunt Chavo’s frog splash and Benjamin hits a superkick. Eddie dominates in the beginning of the match. Chavo tags in and he doesn’t fare as well. Chavo twice doesn’t tag Eddie so Eddie works it so he can tag himself back into the match. Eddie hits three vertical suplexes into succession on Haas and that has him positioned for the frog splash. Chavo tags himself in and Los Guerreros lose. Chavo blames Eddie for the loss in his bizarre state of mind. He whines to Eddie about how the fans are one-sided in their partnership despite him working just as hard. To offset “Eddie” chants, Eddie gets the crowd to chant “Chavo” in an attempt to call his nephew. Chavo wont back down though telling Eddie that he’s sick of him, ending with a slap across the face! Uh oh. Eddie’s “Latino Heat” boils over as his back is turned to Chavo following the slap. Eddie is about to retaliate in a scorched Earth rage when Angle does a run-in to play the role of peacemaker. Chavo leaves, however.

Rating: **

After a commercial break, Angle tries to rationalize with Eddie back in the locker room as to where Chavo’s frustrations are coming from. Angle says Chavo is right and asserts that while his intention the Royal Rumble is out of dedication for his country, he tells Eddie that Chavo’s right when he says it’s out of selfishness that he wants in. Eddie goes off on Kurt for interjecting himself into family matters but Angle wants Eddie to look in the mirror and answer himself some hard questions. It seems there’s early groundwork being laid here for an Angle/Guerrero feud. I like! I love!!!

Cole and Tazz recap what we’ve just seen and then wish everyone a Happy New Year in 2004 as SmackDown concludes.

The Verdict: The show started off hot with Mysterio regaining the Cruiserweight Title. Benoit and Cena qualifying for the Royal Rumble match was the other noteworthy development in the first hour. Hardcore Holly is the weakest challenger to Brock Lesnar that the WWE brain trust could come up with. Given the brand split, however, and roster disbursement this happened enough. The Big Show had gotten fat though his personality on the mic was showing through. Mr. Ass is returning at the Rumble. Who cares? Los Guerreros seemingly break up on this night but it’s the interjection of Angle that’s juicy. Angle is a babyface at this point but in my eyes, he’s really a heel in sheep’s clothing. Heyman was the perfect heel General Manager. Benoit is the #1 entrant in the Rumble for crossing the boss.